


Bad Asses Unite!

by SSA_A



Series: BAU Text World [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Bisexual Aaron Hotchner, Bisexual Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Gen, I will populate the entire tag, Idiots, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, M/M, Nonbinary Spencer Reid, Not beta, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pansexual Spencer Reid, Papa David Rossi, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Spencer has daddy issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Texting, disguised as jokes, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:21:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29549940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SSA_A/pseuds/SSA_A
Summary: A text fic that I am using to cope, will be updated when I can.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, The BAU Team & The BAU Team
Series: BAU Text World [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2172564
Comments: 33
Kudos: 140





	1. Chapter 1

_ Penelope Garcia created a group chat.  _

_ Penelope Garcia added Aaron Hotchner, Jennifer Jareau, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Spencer Reid, and David Rossi.  _

_ Group Chat names changed to Bad Asses Unite! _

Penelope: Hello. So I looked through all the rules and nowhere does it say we cannot have a gc to use outside of work. As long as we do not discuss active cases we are okay 

Jennifer: This could get interesting 

Derek: ohhhh Baby Girl I love the idea! 

Spencer: Pen, you could have asked me, I know the rules 

Penelope: of course you do hun 

Spencer: All of you should know the rules, it is our workplace. 

Penelope: you are being so uptight. no more grammar and correct structures!!!!!

Spencer: I am afraid I cannot physically do that, the mere idea of dropping the proper grammar is making me want to drink bleach. You have asked too much from me today 

Emily: damn Reid she only wanted less grammar she wasn’t gonna murder your puppy

Spencer: I do not have a pet? That would mean I have a strict schedule, which our work does not allow, or it implies I have someone to look after it when I am away, which I do not have. 

Derek: it was a joke kid 

David: what is this? Why am I here?

Derek: Pen made us a gc so we can talk out of work 

David: I see all of you way too much. But while I have you, dinner at mine on Sat?

Jennifer: yes please, I am dying to get out 

Emily: as long as you get the good drinks

Penelope: yes!! 

Spencer: I would like that Rossi, that you. 

Derek: yeah sure. 

Aaron: yes. 

Penelope: Hotch! Where have you been??

Aaron: around. 

Emily: ominous 

Spencer: If you look up you can clearly see that Hotch is in his office and has been staring at his phone for the last three minutes so he has been either reading these messages or talking to someone else.

Derek: why have you been watching him for 3 mins???

Spencer: I like to people watch and you are all boring me. It is a hobby I have continued from my childhood. 

Aaron: do not profile me Reid. 

Spencer: I wasn’t, Sir. I was merely watching. When I people watch I do not profile as much as make a story for them, it was something my mother used to do with me. 

Emily: that is sort of sweet 

Derek: wait for it

Spencer: Well we used to before she was, you know, and then I didn’t really do it until my college days. 

Derek: there it is 

Aaron: get back to work. And Reid actually do your work 

Spencer: I finished it all. 

Aaron: come and get more then

Spencer: of course, Sir.

Jennifer: I hate this job sometimes. 

Penelope: rude. Also since Hotch is gone I can do this without getting into trouble. 

_ Jennifer’s name changed to JJ.  _

_ Derek's name changed to Handsome.  _

_ Spencer’s name changed to Genius.  _

_ Emily’s name changed to Spy.  _

_ David’s name changed to Paparossi.  _

_ Aaron’s name changed to Hotch.  _

_ Penelope's name changed to TechGuru.  _

TechGuru: does anyone wish to change them? 

Handsome: I think they are pretty accurate

Hotch: work. Now. 

TechGuru: yes sir. 

-

2:17am 

Genius: anyone awake?

Hotch: you okay Reid?

Genius: no 

Hotch: I’ll be over in 15 

Genius: thanks

-

7:01am 

Handsome: hey Reid how are you?

Hotch: Reid is okay now, they were having a bad night. Taking the day off 

Handsome: okay. Thank you for getting them. 

TechGuru: Reid I’ll send you constant updates of the gossip! 

JJ: tell them we love them 

Paparossi: I’ll drop pasta off at theirs later 

Hotch: they are staying with me for a few days 

Spy: that bad? 

Hotch: bad. 

Handsome: take the day of Hotch. Say it’s a family emergency, we can cover paperwork 

Hotch: I will. Thanks 

JJ: take care of our Genius

TechGuru: keep them company for us

Spy: I’ll bring over some Russian lit they will like

Paparossi: I’ll bring extra food 

Handsome: I’ll come over after work 

Hotch: I have to go. I’ll text if I need anyone 

-

04:32pm 

Genius: I’m sorry I scared you all. I’m okay I promise. 

Handsome: we know pretty one. We worry because we care

TechGuru: did you like the dogs? I thought they would make you smile 

Genius: they did. Thank you Pen. Thanks to you all for helping. I’ll be in tomorrow 

Hotch: nope. You have one more day off

Genius: what? I’m okay! I didn’t! 

Hotch: I know but it is mandatory 

Genius: this is a hate crime 

Hotch: you have made me aware of that all day. Now get back to bed. 

Genius: yes sir. 

_ Hotch’s name changed to Bossy Bastard.  _

Bossy Bastard: Reid get your ass into bed now or I will take your phone 

Genius: living up to your name I see. But fine. 

Handsome: I never thought I would see the day that Reid went against an authority figure

Paparossi: it’s almost funny

JJ: they are a child honestly 

Spy: holy shit kid has a bite! 

TechGuru: i may love Reid more than Derek right now! The name is perfect!!! 

Bossy Bastard: stop giving them praise for it, they should have been in bed all day and not on their phone 

Spy: kid wasn’t going to listen. Their daddy issues make that impossible 

Genius: I resent that. 

Bossy Bastard: fucking hell. Go to sleep! You are worse than Jack

Genius: so Emily can insinuate that I want to sleep with you because of my daddy issues but I’m not even allowed on my phone? A hate crime 

Spy: I never once mentioned sleeping with him 

Bossy Bastard: Reid has thrown their phone at me so they will not be answering for the rest of the night. I am also not answering because I am an adult and have actual work to do unlike all of you it seems

JJ: rude 

Handsome: rude

Paparossi: rude

TechGuru: rude!!!

Spy: rude bastard 


	2. Papa Rossi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Realistic? Nope. do I care? Nope

1:12pm 

Genius: I officially hate this place. This one guy keeps asking to go out and I don’t know if he knows kidnappings are time sensitive.

Spy: I think he is flirting. I don’t know how guy flirt but,,,,

Genius: Why is he flirting with me of all people?

Spy: I speak for myself but if i liked anyone other than woman i would fuck

Genius: Is that a compliment?

Spy: yes

Handsome: Who is it? I can beat him up

Hotch: No you will not. Also Reid just tell him you aren’t interested 

Genius: Will do, thank you.

Hotch: you three need to be in interrogation now

Handsome: going

-

1:26pm 

Genius: can someone help?

Genius: garage

JJ: Why are you in the garage? Ill be 5 minutes

Genius: uh. cause

Hotch: I swear to god, what happened?

Genius: it wasnt me. e didnt like me say no

Hotch: JJ please say you have them

JJ: just got here. get a first aid kit and ill bring them up

Hotch: get them up and ill deal with the others when they get out from interrogation 

Genius: JJ says okay bossy boss

Hotch: fuck

-

1:45pm

Hotch: Officer fuckface has been suspended and is going to be under an investigation 

Handsome: Let me at him and I can do worse

Hotch: I want to but I can’t 

Spy: He is lucky its illegal for me to murder him

TechGuru: My favorite people ever I have already let a virus into his personal computer

Handsome: where are Rossi and JJ?

Hotch: locked in the room with reid and they are not allowed their phones for an hour

Handsome: What happened?

Hotch: Dave barged into the meeting i was having with fuckface’s boss and tried to strangle him 

Hotch: i would have let him but the boss wasn’t happy

Hotch: JJ tried to punch his face when she saw him passing

Hotch: He deserved it. 

Handsome: Good. 

Handsome: How is Spencer?

Hotch: They are fine now. A hit to the head but nothing is suggesting a concussion 

Spy: I’m going to lock myself in the room with them. 

Hotch: You are as well Morgan. We don’t need to be with the locals while we make a profile

TechGuru: Call me?

Handsome: Of course baby girl

TechGuru: Love of my life 

\--

2:30pm 

Genius: I said i was okay. He didn’t need suspended

Hotch: Reid, he attacked a federal agent, and not just any, one of My Agent

Handsome: You are lucky that Em and I weren’t allowed at him. We made plans

Genius: Thanks?

Spy: all good Spencey

Genius: I hate that a lot

Spy: good

Genius: Also I have an idea about the unsub. 

Hotch: The room in 5, I’ll bring more coffee

Genius: You are my favorite

Paparossi: That hurts

Genius: It should. You tried to strangle a guy less than an hour ago

Paparossi: I would do it again. 

Genius: No! Murder bad! 

Paparossi: he hurt you. No one hurts my family

JJ: They are crying now

Spy: ngl i am also teary eyed

TechGuru: Full on sobbing in the lair

Handsome: Derek cant come to the phone, hes too emotional

Hotch: Hate to agree with them but i felt an emotion over that

Paparossi: What? You are family, i thought that was common knowledge? 

Genius: We lobe yoi papa

Paparossi: Love you too kid

JJ: We have lost reid for good. They are a ball on the ground

Hotch: do not ruin my spencer

Handsome: Your Spencer? 

Hotch: *Our Spencer

Spy: Pen please say you seen that

TechGuru: you know I did babe

TechGuru: now go and save lives my fine furry family

-

PM- David Rossi and Spencer Reid

David: you okay kid?

Spencer: yeah. just with my father and Gideon leaving I forget what it’s like to have people care

Spencer: you don’t need to listen to the rant. Sorry

David: I meant what I said. You are my kid

Spencer: really?

David: yes really. come over for dinner after the case

Spencer: thanks 

David: also I like Papa, sounds nice 

David: I didn’t mean to make you cry again, sorry Spencer 

Spencer: thank you papa 


	3. Chapter 3

7:34pm 

JJ: Anyone free for a night out?

TechGuru: For you always

Spy: pleaseee

Genius: can i join? 

JJ: Girls and Queer night? 

Spy: I’ll get the wine

Genius: I’ll bring the fancy nail polish and face masks

TechGuru: I have the place and cookies

JJ: I am bringing trashy romcoms 

Handsome: I am jealous of Girls and Queer night. Hotch Rossi why dont we do that?

Paparossi: Because we are not teenagers who need sleepovers

Genius: We are not teenagers!

Paparossi: Kid you are almost 2 decades younger than me. You are a child, an infant

Genius: Hotch!! They are bullying me!!!

Hotch: Why am i being dragged in?

Genius: As your favorite you have to defend me from my bullies, e.g. Rossi as of right now. 

Hotch: Who said you were my favorite?

Genius: I’m not :( 

Handsome: I can feel the puppy eyes and I’m not even near them

Paparossi: Okay i take it back. You are a fully functioning adult 

Hotch: You are all so weak. 

Genius: Fine, I guess my father was correct, no one could ever like me. 

Spy: hehehehe   
Spy: they pulled the daddy issues card

Hotch: Reid I swear to all deities 

Genius: Does this mean I am your favorite? 

Hotch: Fine. 

Handsome: Weak

Genius: Hey! Don’t call Hotch that! He can withstand my act longer than anyone else. 

Spy: Is that a good thing? 

Genius: Yes, it goes great with my issues 

Hotch: You need therapy. 

Genius: tried that already, they can’t fix me 

JJ: I am scared to ask

Genius: You should be. 

JJ: Well that was enlightening 

Hotch: As your boss I can get you into therapy as a mandatory thing

Genius: Please. It’s been a while since I was able to practise my lying to a Doc

Paparossi: what the fuck 

Handsome: These jokes become common after a few years 

TechGuru: Wait for the daddy issues to come up more

Hotch: I still don’t like them. 

Genius: yeah my dad didn’t like me either all good

Hotch: Reid. 

Genius: fine. No more dark or depressing jokes for the rest of today

TechGuru: I mean that is a start

Hotch: I might make therapy necessary for you all actually

Handsome: Oh No, I appear to be blind

TechGuru: Do yall hear anything? 

Spy: Please, my bottle of wine is therapy

JJ: I have a therapist. The mirror

Genius: You can look in a mirror? Couldn't be me

Hotch: Do not test me.

Genius: Sorry it’s the daddy issues

Handsome: Holy shit 

Genius: :)

Hotch: Shut up. All of you

Genius: Make me

_ Genius has been removed from the chat.  _

TechGuru: I didn’t think they would be that forward

Paparossi: There is so much that i don’t know about them

Spy: You have to admit it was funny

TechGuru: Its the daddy issues and Hotch liking it for me

_ TechGuru has been removed from the chat. _

Spy: lmao

Hotch: Anyone else? 

JJ: No sir

Handsome: Thats what Reid said

_ Handsome has been removed from the chat.  _

Spy: Are you this bossy to Reid? 

_ Spy has been removed from the chat.  _

Hotch: They will be added back in an hour. They are all on time out

Paparossi: You could just admit it you know

Hotch: Admit what? 

Paparossi: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

Hotch: That’s what I thought

Hotch: JJ have fun at Girls and Queer night, tell the others they will be back in an hour if they ask

JJ: Yes sir

-

G&Q Nights

8:00pm

Baby: that was rude of him 

Lesbian: I mean you did test him after he said not to

Mother: You were all kicked from it. He has put you on time out for an hour

Sister: Why don’t you just ask him out? 

Baby: It’s funnier if I do this. Less chance of rejection.

Mother: I am starting to agree with therapy

Baby: Don’t do this! Mother JJ I cannot go there!

Lesbian: I mean you could do it as a joke. 

Lesbian: Hey Hotch why don’t you fuck me over your desk? 

Lesbian: If he says no then make a daddy issues joke

Lesbian: If he says yes then make sure you close the blinds

Baby: Em you may be onto something

Mother: Please for the love of all things good, do not fuck in a federal building. It is public indecency and Illegal!

Baby: :(

Sister: I have finished baking the cookies

Baby: Almost at yours. Waiting on Em to stop staring at a pretty lady

Sister: Ohhh is she very pretty? 

Baby: Yeah. She is definitely Em’s type

Mother: Where are you two?

Baby: Round the corner from Pen’s

Mother: Okay. Hurry up 

Lesbian: She was the love of my life!! 

Lesbian: She walked so nice! And her hair was so pretty!!

Lesbain: I am in love

Mother: How long did you stare at her? AMd did you even talk to her?

Lesbian: I didn’t need to talk to her to know she is the one for me

Baby: She stared for approximately 3 minutes and 34 seconds. Did not speak a word to her

Lesbain: But! Love at first sight!

Sister: I am sorry I missed your wedding! I’ll make up for it!

Lesbian: You better

Baby: Can we please drink? I want to forget about how good Hotch looked in that suit

Baby: Did you see the way he rolled his sleeves up??? Asdfghjk

Lesbian: That’s gay

Baby: It sure is

Sister: Door is open, walk in when you get here

Lesbian: babe is that safe? 

Sister: nope but it’s okay, JJ is here and she could take someone down

Mother: Of course I would. No one gets in the way of our night

Baby: Me gay and want Hotch

Baby: He so pretty. Eyes warm and deep 

Baby: He could go deep in me

Lesbian: TMI

Sister: I want to send him that but i wont

Mother: Good. Now Spence get some pity drinks in you 

Baby: Yes mom


	4. Heid???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will the Idiots finally get together? Read and find out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, realistic? Nope but it’s my coping mechanism lol

4:12am

PM- Spencer Reid and Aaron Hotchner

Spencer: Are you up? 

Aaron: Of course, what’s wrong? 

Spencer: I want to tell you something and you know already but I feel like I need to tell you outright

Spencer: Promise not to ignore me after? 

Aaron: I promise

Spencer: I do actually like you Aaron, you make me happy and I feel safe with you, and I know I keep making jokes about it but I do want to be with you. 

Aaron: You were being genuine? 

Spencer: Yes, I would never joke about that. 

Aaron: Are you sure? I mean I’m at least a decade older than you, I have a lot of baggage and not to mention the fact that I am a single father who was widowed.

Spencer: I am not blind. I know you Aaron and I like you. 

Aaron: Oh. We should talk in person, should I meet you before work for breakfast? 

Spencer: Can you tell me now? I don’t want to be an anxious mess

Aaron: I like you as well but this conversation should be in person

Spencer: Oh. I didn’t actually think that was going to be an outcome

Aaron: What did you think I meant when I said we should talk?

Spencer: I was ready to be fired. 

Aaron: I would never fire you Spence.

Spencer: That calms me. Thank you. 

Spencer: You know the others are going to be happy

Spencer: I mean the things Em told me to say to you

Aaron: I am curious. Share with the class? 

Spencer: I may not be able to be in your office if I do. 

Aaron: I am even more curious now

Spencer: Maybe I’ll tell you in a few weeks

Aaron: I am counting on it

Spencer: I won’t forget 

Aaron: You better not.

Aaron: Spencer?

Spencer: I’m here. Just thinking

Aaron: I can guess what about. Now you need some sleep before work, I’ll pick you up for coffee and pastries 

Spencer: You are so kind. Thank you

Aaron: My pleasure. I’ll see you later Spencer

Spencer: I’ll see you later Aaron. 

-

8:30am 

Handsome: Am I hallucinating?

Paparossi: I must be too

JJ: So i’m not the only one seeing this

TechGuru: What? What is it? 

Handsome: Hotch has a box of pastries and walked in with Spencer

TechGuru: Could it be? 

Spy: I’m back! And PG you have to come here! 

TechGuru: On my way

Paparossi: Did Spencer just take a bite from Aaron’s pastry? Am I going insane?

Spy: I think the idiots actually got their shit together

JJ: when did that happen? 

Handsome: How? What? When? 

Spy: I cannot believe this is happening. I need my inhaler!

JJ: you aren’t asthmatic? 

Spy: It was a joke 

TechGuru: I can get ears inside if we want

Spy: Yes

JJ: No

Paparossi: I can do something better

Handsome: What are you doing? 

JJ: why is he walking up there?

Spy: he didnt! 

TechGuru: he did!

Genius: Rossi have I told you how much I hate you? I am planning your death as I type

Hotch: Was there a need? 

Paparossi: yeah, we wanted to know when you two got your shit together

Spy: Spencer did you use the desk suggestion? 

Genius: Please don’t bring that up

Hotch: Wait is this the thing you meant?

Genius: yes and I cannot unsee it so I would rather not bring it up

Spy: But your boytoy might like the idea

Hotch: i am not a boytoy

TechGuru: So what are you? 

Hotch: Why do you need to know?

Paparossi: Because we want to know

Genius: can i die now? 

Hotch: No

Genius: Bossy Bastard

_ Hotch’s name changed to Spencer’s Daddy.  _

Spencer’s Daddy: Who was it? 

Genius: Not hating that

Paparossi: I did not need to read that

JJ: I want to tear my eyes out

Handsome: Take me back in time so i can unsee that shit

Spy: Spencer you are everything i aspire to be

TechGuru: I did not expect that outcome

_ Spencer’s Daddy’s name changed to Boss. _

Genius: aww :(

Boss: Garcia you are getting extra paperwork

TechGuru: That is fair

Paparossi: so are you two going to tell us? 

Boss: Why do you want to know? 

Spy: Profiling 101, you answered with a question twice now 

Boss: I hate profilers

Genius: :(

Boss: Not you

Genius: :)

Genius: To answer your question Papa Rossi, we are working it out so everyone leave us alone

Spy: I still think the desk idea is a good way to go

Boss: Tell me and I’ll decide

Genius: If you even so much as whisper about it I will burn your eyebrows off and then I will change all of your shoes to a size too small

Spy: Why am I more scared of that than a gun?

Genius: I know how to get into your apartment

Spy: Fine I am shutting up

Boss: This is making me more interested in knowing. Spencer? 

Genius: nope

Boss: Fine. Can we talk now? 

Genius: Yep

-

9:08am 

Boss: I want to make it clear that we weren’t going to tell you but a group of People had to go and get ideas about this

Genius: We would have told you after a few weeks but being profilers you would have realized

Spy: So its official????

Boss: We are going to see if it works

TechGuru: I am crying. Send help

Spy: I am going to hit something. This is so exciting

JJ: I am happy for the both of you

Handsome: Hotch if you hurt them I will kill you.

Handsome: Spencer if you hurt him I will kill you.

Genius: I welcome death 

Boss: No you do not. 

Genius: I do not welcome death

Spy: Whipped already? 

Genius: I don’t want anymore therapy sessions

Spy: mood

Paparossi: Great! So you two can stop acting like idiots!

Paparossi: also I am in full agreement with Morgan. Hurt each other and I will hide the bodies 

Boss: well this is fun but we just got a child abduction case. Brief on plane in 20

Genius: Yes sir


	5. Jemily? Maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me impulsively adding lesbians? Yeah more likely than you thought

12:31pm

Genius: I know we are not allowed to talk about cases here. 

Genius: However, I think the unsub might be an officer

Boss: Evidence?

Genius: It is a standard Hero Syndrome case, and the only responder I can find that went to all four scenes is a cop

Spy: Who? 

Genius: Kevin Troft

JJ: are you sure? 

Genius: 100%

JJ: Get backup to Morgan and I. He just went into the coffee shop with Morgan

Boss: Do not Engage. I repeat Do Not Engage

TechGuru: Swat on the way. Background search of troft shows he was in the army, dishonorably discharged for a killing of an 11 year old boy, he was bounced from care homes as a child. He really should not be an officer with the list of assaults against him

Genius: Hotch is driving, he asked if there was signs of assault as a child

TechGuru: Yeah. admitted three times from one home with spiral fractures and a concussion once, thy said he fell out of a tree house

JJ: Morgan is checking his phone. 

Handsome: I can stall 

Genius: Hotch swore and said no

Handsome: He seems calm enough now. We need to keep him away from civilians

Spy: Rossi and I just pulled up at the back

Genius: Out front now. Derek?

Handsome: He is going to freak in a second. He’s spotted the cars

Spy: be careful

Genius: If you get hurt I won’t watch Fast and Furious

JJ: Fuck. Okay. please say we can go in

TechGuru: ???

Genius: Troft just took Derek’s phone

TechGuru: He better not get hurt!  
TechGuru: Go save our Derek!

-

Handsome: I’m okay Baby Girl

Boss: Try again

Handsome: I’m not Spencer i don’t break easily

Genius: :(

Handsome: Fuck you

Handsome: It's not even broken, a sprained wrist and a cut on my head

TechGuru: That is not okay! You could have been hurt! Get back home so I can smoosh your beautiful face!

Handsome: Sorry for worrying everyone

Paparossi: It’s okay. You did good son

Handsome: Rossi i am going to cry on you

Paparossi: sorry? 

Handsome: You cannot take it back. You are now papa rossi to me 

Paprossi: great! You can join Spencer and I’s dinner!

Genius: woooo! More Rossi children!!

Boss: When did Dave adopt you? 

Genius: Around the time i joked about my deadbeat father and then called him Papa Rossi 

Genius: The dinners are fun

Boss: oh. Makes sense

Paparossi: Partners can come to the dinner so I can decide if you are fit for my child

Boss: Spencer is a grown person? 

Genius: Yeah but papa rossi

Paparossi: I must decide 

Boss: Okay then

-

PM- Spencer Reid and Aaron Hotchner

Spencer: Can I get a hug?

Aaron: Of course. Come sit beside me

Spencer: thanks

Aaron: You want to talk? 

Spencer: later? 

Aaron: of course Baby

Aaron: Oh you like that? 

Aaron: sweetheart?

Aaron: Darling?

Aaron: Love?

Aaron: Princess? 

Spencer: i don’t like that last one. The rest are okay

Aaron: Okay. Well Darling I think the others won’t mind if you want to sit on my lap

Spencer: really?

Aaron: Really

-

Spy: I hate how cute you two are

Genius: Good

JJ: how is that even comfortable?? Spence you are 6’1???? You are so crunched up

TechGuru: PHOTOS!

Boss: Spencer likes it and I do as well

Handsome: If i wasn’t dying I would be joking

Genius: we are all slowly dying, some at a faster speed than others

Genius: I pray mines comes faster

Spy: Terrible

Genius: I take it back. I do not want death

JJ: Do i want to know what Hotch just whispered in your ear? 

Boss: probably not

Genius: Definitely not

Paparossi: I want to be drunk so bad

Handsome: makes two of us

Spy: three

JJ: four

Genius: they are bullying me Aaron!

Boss: its okay Darling. They are being mean because they aren’t as cute as you

Genius: :)

Handsome: Darling??

TechGuru: Hotch uses pet names???

Genius: I have some for him if you wanna hear them ;)

Genius: Actually no you will not be hearing them.

JJ: I hate that I can see him whispering in your ear

Genius: I don’t

Boss: be good

Genius: I am

Handsome: anyone know how to throw yourself off a jet?

Genius: yeah. Shoot your gun at the windows and the depressurization of the cabin would bring us down eventually 

Paparossi: which you will not do because I would never invite you over again 

Genius: is that a threat to Derek or me?

Paparossi: both. Now shut up and let me sleep 

Genius: sorry papa 

Genius: night! 

Spy: that was far too cute. Someone stab me so I can feel better 

Genius: I’ll grab my knife

Boss: sleep! 

Genius: yes sir

TechGuru: I will not make the joke. I will not make the joke 

Boss: make it. I dare you. 

Genius: bossy daddy ;)

Spy: I should have stayed dead longer 

Handsome: I am never going to look you two in the eyes again

Genius: :) 

Genius: night everyone!! Sweet dreams!!

Boss: night. 

Genius: :(

Boss: good night Spencer, have good dreams

JJ: I need someone to do that with me 

Handsome: I know someone

JJ: hit me up 

Handsome: will do 

_Handsome sent Emily Prentiss’s contact details_

Spy: what the fuck

Handsome: JJ asked me 

Spy: I am going to kill you 

Handsome: go for it 

-

9:27pm

PM- Jennifer Jareau and Emily Prentiss

Jennifer: So do you want to grab drinks sometime?

Emily: Wait, are you sure? 

Jennifer: Yeah

Emily: I’d love to

Jennifer: Great

Jennifer: It’s a date

Emily: Yeah, it is

-

PM- Emily Prentiss and Derek Morgan

Emily: SHE ASKED ME OUT

Derek: Finally. When and where?

Emily: Drinks when we can

Emily: What do I say? 

Emily: What do I wear? 

Derek: be yourself. She wouldn’t have asked if she doesn’t want to 

Emily: That does not help. Derek what happens if she only wants to go as friends

Emily: what if she wants me to be her wingwoman???

Derek: she literally asked for someone who likes her. How dumb can you be??

Emily: what if it’s a joke???? 

Emily: it probably isn’t even a proper date, I’m overthinking 

Derek: I never thought the dumb lesbian could get dumber 

Emily: Derek who are you texting?!

Emily: It isn’t me! 

Emily: Why is JJ looking at her phone????

Emily: Asshole

-

PM- Jennifer Jareau and Emily Prentiss

Jennifer: It is a date 

Emily: I cannot believe he told you that. I’m sorry 

Jennifer: It's cute. I would love to talk more but you need to sleep

Emily: Oh. Yeah. Night

Jennifer: Night Em 

-

10:31pm

PM- David Rossi and Aaron Hotchner 

David: Are they okay? 

Aaron: Just a tough case, they haven’t been sleeping great 

David: Yeah, they told me. Nightmares

Aaron: Bad ones. They didn’t sleep more than 2 hours last night and even then it wasn’t consecutive 

David: Any ideas what it’s about?

Aaron: I have an idea but they haven’t told me. I’m trying to help them without hovering to much

David: That is all you can do. They will ask for help when they want it, you know Spencer

Aaron: Yeah I know, still hurts. 

David: It will. Now you should sleep, if you were up with them you didn’t sleep either. 

Aaron: I will. I like holding them though, they look so small and happy 

David: How long have you been in love?

Aaron: love? No one said that

David: Okay, I am here when you need me. 

Aaron: Thank you, Night Dave. 

David: Night Aaron. 

-

3:45am 

Boss: Did everyone get home safe? 

Handsome: Yeah. Just dropped Pen off as well

TechGuru: Thank you Handsome! And thank you Hotch, I’m safe :)

Spy: I have arrived and am safe, no bad guys trying to kill me today 

Paparossi: I am safe. My security are keeping me safe 

JJ: Thank you for checking Hotch, I am at home as well 

Handsome: where’s the Kid?

Boss: half asleep on me 

Handsome: Okay then. Night everyone 

TechGuru: Night my lovely friends! Dream big! 

Paparossi: Night 

JJ: Have a good night everyone 

Spy: Night, Sergio says night as well 

Boss: Spencer says a very sleepy Night and I am saying Night


	6. Where’s @Genius?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying a new format, is it a yes or no?

2:12pm 

PM- Spencer Reid and Aaron Hotchner

Baby: I miss you  
Baby: I just want to be under you  
Baby: Like this morning 

Daddy: What are you doing?

Baby: Just saying how much I miss you 

Daddy: I am with the Detective. You know this 

Baby: But, I miss your hands on me. I miss them in my hair 

Daddy: You are so in for it later 

Baby: Count on it ;)

-

2:25pm

Boss: Food orders?

Handsome: A burger please

Paparossi: Same

JJ: A wrap? 

TechGuru: Veg wrap?

Spy: Nachos!

Genius: you ;)

Boss: Really? 

Genius: I thought it was funny 

Boss: What do you want?

Genius: Nachos!!! 

Boss: Okay. Coffee for everyone as well 

Spy: Are we ignoring that then?

Genius: Nope 

Spy: What are you doing?

Genius: nothing

TechGuru: I can guess  
TechGuru: and our Genius is having fun 

Genius: ;) 

Paparossi: I hate this family 

Genius: :( sorry Papa

Paparossi: I could never hate you Kiddo

JJ: G&Q soon?

Spy: Oh! We haven’t had one in a while

TechGuru: Spencer is coming and no you cannot argue 

Genius: okay. I can’t do this weekend

Spy: what you doing?

Genius: no he’s doing me 

Spy: fucking hell

Handsome: I did not need to see that

TechGuru: I knew it, you are wanting to annoying Hotch 

Genius: No idea what you are talking about 

Paparossi: if this conversation goes any further please let me leave. I do not need to talk about my kids sex life

Genius: Sorry Papa. We’ll stop

Boss: I do something nice for you all and this is what I come back to.  
Boss: Spencer. Really?

Genius: :)

Boss: Everyone get your food before I give up 

Handsome: Thanks Hotch

TechGuru: Baby Genius is in troubleeeeeeeeee

Spy: They deserve it 

JJ: it is slightly funny 

-

PM- Aaron Hotchner and Spencer Reid 

Daddy: Did you have fun? 

Baby: I was merely informing them that I was busy this weekend. 

Daddy: Is that so Baby? Well that is your second strike, one more and you know what happens. 

Baby: Yes, Daddy. 

Daddy: Now eat your food. No more jokes or there will be trouble. 

Baby: Yes Sir

-

3:00pm 

TechGuru: So. I was remembering the last time we all went out after work and decided that after this case we are going to Tinas 

Boss: I don’t know. I have a lot of work

Paparossi: I’ll pay 

Handsome: I’m in

Spy: if Rossi is paying you know I’m in 

JJ: Yeah it would be fun 

Genius: Yeah we are going. 

Boss: We?

Genius: Yep. 

Boss: Fine. I can get us a night off

Spy: woo! Thank you Spencer 

Genius: You are welcome, now I have to finish this profile

Boss: The rest of you should be working as well

Handsome: Yes sir 

TechGuru: Found something. Anyone able to come to the room? 

Boss: Okay

-

5:34pm

Boss: I don’t say this enough but I’m proud of all of you. You are an amazing team and I’m proud to call you family 

Spy: Oh, thanks Hotch. You’re a great guy as well

Handsome: Thanks. Needed that

JJ: You are an amazing person Hotch and we are proud to call you family 

Paparossi: I don’t know what to say. Thank you 

TechGuru: Hotch we love you so much and you are the most amazing boss I have ever worked for, never change

Handsome: hey @Genius you are missing out on Hotch Loving Hour 

Boss: Where is Spencer?

JJ: they were in the station last I saw 

Boss: I’m in the station 

Paparossi: I’ll check the rooms 

Spy: I’ll check the cafe and shops

Boss: I’ll phone them too 

TechGuru: tracked their phone. It’s in the station 

Handsome: checked restrooms here. Not there 

-

Missed Call from Daddy (15)  
Missed Call from Papa (4)  
Missed Call from Mother J (6)  
Missed Call from Brother (3)  
Missed Call from Lesbian (7)  
Missed Call from Sister (10)

-  
5:54pm 

PM- Spencer Reid and Aaron Hotchner

Baby: I’m okay. I’m okay. Sorry. 

Daddy: Baby where are you?

Baby: roof 

Daddy: Stay there. I’ll be up in a minute

Baby: thank you

-

6:00pm 

Boss: They are okay. I’ll text when I have more

Paparossi: Take care of my kid Aaron 

JJ: keep us updated please 

Spy: what can we do?

Boss: Everyone gather in our room. Brings covers and pillows we are having a sleepover 

Handsome: I’ll go get comfort food 

JJ: I’ll come as well 

Paparossi: Take my card 

Handsome: Thanks. Any requests?

Boss: Get Spencer M&Ms. They love them  
Boss: And lemonade as well

Handsome: anyone else?

TechGuru: You know what we like 

Handsome: JJ I’ll drive

JJ: thanks. See you all soon


	7. Interruptions are not fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!! There are lot of discussions about sex in this chapter, so if you don't want to read it you can skip it completely and I'll put a summary at the bottom with the end notes. !!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spencer and Emily are very open to each other about their sex life, they know that they both practise safe and consensual kinky sex, and they both know far to much about the others sex life. This is just a hc that I have so I’ve put it in. Also if you want to know what the two were up to before JJ interrupted and when Derek walked in on them then I am happy to write it

3:43am

JJ: I called everyone but are you all still up?

TechGuru: why do i have to be up

JJ: Because it’s a case. Hotch wants us on the plane for debrief

Genius: I have decided effective immediately I am stepping down from the BAU. No one disturbs my night. No one. 

Handsome: Do you need a lift? 

Genius: Aaron is with me

TechGuru: So what did JJ interrupt if Hotch was there? 

Paparossi: You probably do not want an answer

Handsome: I don’t want an answer either. Reid is my little sibling

Spy: Spencerrrrrrr we can just bother you until you tell us. 

Genius: This is why I’m quitting, you all bully me

TechGuru: You wouldn’t leave us. Also just arrived at the office and no one is here, I could do what I want

Genius: Aaron said ‘No you won’t because you are still responsible’

TechGuru: Well Hotch just for that I am going to do something stupid

Paparossi: I keep the good coffee in my desk if you want some

Genius: It’s the good stuff, keeps me awake. I want coffee. 

Spy: I’ll pick some up for you if you tell me 

Genius: What kind?

Spy: Rick Roasters

Genius: deal. I want the good one

Paparossi: isn’t briery illegal?

Spy: Only if Hotch finds out. Now I need to go get coffee 

Genius: Just arrived at the strip, everyone's ETA? 

Handsome: 15

JJ: 20

Paparossi: 20ish

Spy: 20ish, you are lucky the shop was open

Genius: You are all so far away :(  
Genius: How will I entertain myself? 

TechGuru: Play chess or read? 

JJ: Hotch will talk with you

Spy: ;)

Paparossi: Prentiss if you make one more innuendo I am cutting your coffee supply

Spy: sorry Dad

Paparossi: You better be

Handsome: Spencer has been awfully quiet

JJ: Yeah they have

TechGuru: Probably caught in a book

Spy: Most likely

-  
4:20am 

Handsome: NOT A BOOK  
Handsome: I NEED BLEACH

Spy: ?????   
Spy: Are you okay???

JJ: Derek what’s wrong? 

Genius: Learn to knock

Spy: ON THE PLANE??? 

JJ: Please God, I’m ready for death

Paparossi: You better have stayed in your seats

Genius: Yeah, sure we did

Handsome: THEY WERE NOT   
Handsome: THEY WERE ON THE SOFA

Genius: It wasn’t even that bad  
Genius: We were clothed

Boss: You are not making this better Spence

TechGuru: just checked and deleted the footage from the camera’s, you are lucky I like the two of you

Genius: How do you know we didn’t want people to watch? ;)

Boss: Spencer. 

Genius: okay, wow, rude

Paparossi: I am going to kill you Aaron. 

Genius: You’d be a really good unsub! You know our way of thinking and could probably get away with it

Spy: Just pulled up, I have coffee

Genius: Coffee!!!!

Boss: Not that you need anymore

Genius: Shush you, I always need coffee

Boss: Did you just tell me to shush? 

Spy: uh oh, Spencer is dead

Genius: Yeah I did. What are you gonna do? 

Handsome: Rossi please come and separate them. 

Paparossi: Pulled up, JJ how long you going to be? 

JJ: Literally behind you, give me a second to get my bag

TechGuru: Em, give me details. How much of a mess are they??

Spy: I walked on and Derek is hiding in the corner while Spencer is staring Hotch down.   
Spy: Spencer looks a mess lol  
Spy: Their hair is defo post sex, they seem to have brusies on their neck and wrists??   
Spy: They aren’t even looking at their phones, just staring  
Spy: Okay so Spencer is licking their lips  
Spy: Hotch is watching  
Spy: It’s like watching pg porn

Paparossi: I’m turning my phone off. I don’t want to know

JJ: Derek we are literally walking up the stairs now

TechGuru: Em?? More??

Spy: I’m shocked. Hotch moved to get a drink and his neck is covered in hickeys  
Spy: I am beginning to think Derek interrupted sex   
Spy: Spencer is opening their phone, typing

Genius: He did. Do it again and I will kill you all

JJ: I did not need to know that

Spy: Moving to different chat it’s all good

-  
4:32am

PM- Emily Prentiss and Spencer Reid

Lesbian: So how good is he? 

Nerd: So good. You don’t even know

Lesbian: Never took him for the kinky type

Nerd: Either until he asked me. How much detail do you want? 

Lesbian: Do not spare anything

Nerd: You are lucky I like you.   
Nerd: Okay so he a dom right, which is great since I love others having control  
Nerd: He is gentle at the same time but he throws me around as soon as I consent and he never once makes me feel like I have to consent, you know? He likes marking me and calling me his, which I didn’t like before but it is so hot

Lesbian: Is it a d/s relationship? 

Nerd: Basically. It isn’t 24/7, but he likes being in charge in the house and I let him. 

Lesbian: what do you call him? 

Nerd: You want to know? You can’t tell anyone remember

Lesbian: I won’t, I would never betray you or him like that

Nerd: Daddy, and I’m his Good Baby

Lesbian: I did not peg him for a daddy kink

Nerd: Same, but it is hot  
Nerd: He likes to try a lot of things as well, but I said no to a few and he was so understanding  
Nerd: although, remember that outfit I bought when we went shopping? 

Lesbian: The lacy one?

Nerd: Yeah he likes that

Lesbian: I bet he does. What were you doing when JJ called? 

Nerd: Not much. He had me tied and well...

Lesbian: You aren’t gonna shock me Spencer, we both know far too much about each others sex lives

Nerd: You ever tried edging? 

Lesbian: Not personally but I’ve heard it can be fun

Nerd; Yeah until a case stops you 

Lesbian: Oh, you didn’t get to finish?

Nerd: No and I’m pissed and needy and he knows that

Lesbian: I can see. He is watching you, has been for awhile

Nerd: Oh. I can make this fun for me

Lesbian: Give me your coat. Say I look cold, show him his marks

Nerd: This is why I love you Em  
Nerd: Is he glaring?

Lesbian: Yeah. Did he finish?

Nerd: Yeah it was part of the punishment

Lesbian: What you do? 

Nerd: Teased him so he teased me and didn’t let me touch him 

Lesbian: That is rough. Tilt your head like you are stretching 

Nerd: Will do. We should probably focus on the briefing 

Lesbian: I have been, half and half, seems like an idiot unsub

Nerd: Yeah it does. Could probably get it done in two days

Lesbian: I’ve head Cali has good shops if you want to pick up a present

Nerd: I might. You talked to JJ yet? 

Lesbian: We’ve talked, each time we plan a date a case comes up. I’m going to try and get one after this

Nerd: I’m sure I can convince Aaron for a night off

Lesbian: Please, I wanna take her somewhere nice

Nerd: I’ll ask him when he is in a better mood. 

Lesbian: You are the best Spencer

Nerd: I know  
Nerd: Now listen before I get in more trouble

Lesbian: You would like it

Nerd: That isn’t the point

Lesbian: Fine, I’ll listen you kinky bastard

Nerd: Coming from you okay then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Summary: A case interrupts Spencer and Aaron as they are having some 'fun' and when they get to the plane before everyone they continue this fun and Derek walks in on them. Emily and Spencer talk over text and Emily learns about Spencer's sex life because the two of them are close.


	8. Daddy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have the idiots being idiots again, also this is directly after chapter 7

7:23am 

Boss: I have coffee and food at the station

Genius: this is why I love you 

Handsome: you are a true hero Hotch 

Paparossi: JJ, Prentiss you may want to hurry. Spencer is eyeing the coffees

JJ: Em is driving. But seriously Spence?? How many cups have you had today?

Boss: they had one in the house and one on the way to the plane 

Handsome: the three on the plane 

Paparossi: we went to get a cup when we came back from dump sites 

TechGuru: so at least 6 in 4ish hours??

Boss: @Genius you are not allowed coffee until 1pm 

Genius: Hilarious. 

Boss: That is an order 

Genius: As my boss or boyfriend? 

Boss: both 

Genius: as my boyfriend I am saying, no you can’t make me

Genius: as my boss I am saying, I need it to work 

TechGuru: 187 are you wanting to go down that road??

Genius: yeah. No one takes my coffee

Boss: well I am. Everyone, if you see them drinking coffee or you give them coffee then you are an accessory to this crime. 

Genius: Crime??? It’s fucking coffee

JJ: Em told me “Spence take a breath”

Genius: Tell Em she can fuck off. She knows why 

Genius: all of you can fuck off, I am not a child and I can drink as much coffee as I want 

Handsome: Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?

TechGuru: I am so confused

Paparossi: Spence? 

Boss: Reid. 

Genius: I’m going for a break. 

Handsome: Okay

-

PM- David Rossi and Aaron Hotchner

David: What is wrong with them?

Aaron: Wound up, not enough sleep, the case, me- take your pick 

David: Did you fight? 

Aaron: No. You probably don’t want to know really

David: Okay. As long as you can fix it, they looked hurt when they left 

Aaron: I’ll give them a little bit to calm down before I try and talk to them 

David: Good idea

-

PM- Aaron Hotchner and Spencer Reid 

Baby: I am sorry. I didn’t mean to lash out at you or the others

Baby: I’m just a bit stressed and how we left things before we got called in is making me more stressed

Daddy: I know Baby. I’m sorry that I argued back, we can fix the second thing at the hotel later if you want? And then we can fix the first thing now 

Baby: Okay. Yeah. I’m still really sorry

Daddy: I forgive you Baby, you know I always will 

Baby: Are we on a break still?

Daddy: Yeah, why?

Baby: I want you to hold me for a little bit

Daddy: Of course I can Baby. I’m in the side room we have

Daddy: Morgan and Dave are here

Baby: Thank you 

Daddy: Of course Baby. I love you 

Baby: I love you 

-

7:41am

Genius: I’m sorry for lashing out, I didn’t mean any of it

Handsome: We know kid, it’s okay

Paparossi: I’m sorry if we made you feel like a child

JJ: We never wanted to tell you what to do Spence

Genius: I know. Just a bit stressed from you know everything

Genius: Sorry for taking it out on all of you

Paparossi: You don’t need to apologize Kid

Handsome: Stop apologizing and get in here 

Genius: I’m coming

Genius: Please say there is still a chocolate donut

Paparossi: Yeah I threatened Morgan so it is still here

Handsome: Still pissed. I wanted it

Boss: I bought it for Spencer

Genius: Because I am the favorite :)

Boss: Keep thinking that

Genius: You weren’t saying that last night

Paparossi: Spencer. 

Genius: Sorry Papa

Paparossi: It’s okay, now hurry up, Aaron looks like he's going to throw something, he even took his jacket off

Genius: Really? Photo? Please

Paparossi: 

_ Photo saved by Genius _

Boss: Dave, really? 

Genius: O.O

Spy: Thirsty much

Genius: I just had a cup of coffee, so no I’m not thirsty.

Spy: It’s not a literal definition. I’m saying you are being horny on main lol

Genius: Oh. Makes sense

Paparossi: Sometimes I wonder why I came back

Handsome: Sometimes I wonder why I’m still here

JJ: Sometimes I wonder why I’m your friend

Spy: Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t stay dead longer

Genius: Sometimes I wonder about death 

Boss: No

Genius: rude. Also I seem to be locked out, someone help? 

Boss: Coming

Genius: Thanks :)

-

8:00am 

Handsome: It’s been 10 minutes you guys aren’t slick

Spy: Lmao did they actually disappear? 

Handsome: Yeah they did. I saw them go into the restroom 

Spy: For fbi agents they are terrible at hiding things 

TechGuru: I swear all they ever do is fuck

Paparossi: Sometimes they eat

Spy: And sleep

Boss: And sometimes we tell you to fuck off

Genius: Get back to work please

TechGuru: Wrong phones

Boss: Oh. You can get it back soon

Genius: Where did you go? You were just here? 

Boss: I know how to disappear

Boss: Who wants to know their name in Aaron’s phone? 

TechGuru: ME

Spy: Oh yes please

Handsome: It could be funny

Paparossi: Aaron isn’t creative it’s probably our names

JJ: I’m with Rossi on this

Boss: Okay, so, Rossi is just Dave

Boss: JJ you are JJ

Boss: Derek you are Morgan

Boss: Em you are Prentiss

Boss: Pen you are Garcia

Boss: I’m Baby. These are all boring, I’m going to change them 

TechGuru: Gimme a good one!

Boss: All changed but no one can know because Aaron has to guess who they all are

TechGuru: That’s kinda funny, I like it

Genius: Can I get my phone back now? 

Boss: One last thing

Genius: Why are you sending yourself pictures? 

Spy: Cause they want to have pictures 

Boss: Yeah I want the pictures

JJ: Sort of cute

Paparossi: Kid I can give you pictures of him

Boss: Please send them to me

Paparossi: Of course Kid. If you promise not to talk about your sex life in front of me

Boss: Deal

Genius: Can you give me my phone now? 

Boss: come get it

Genius: Where are you? 

Boss: Interrogation room, watching the guy sweat 

Genius: I’ll be there in a minute

JJ: Em and I are heading back

Genius: Lead didn’t pay off? 

JJ: No

Handsome: I dips first shot at the guy

Genius: We’ll talk method when everyone is back

-

9:30am 

Genius: Look at him, hes so pretty and his hands

TechGuru: What?

Genius: Shit wrong chat. Sorry

TechGuru: No keep going

Genius: I was meant to text the Girl and Queer chat but misclicked 

_ Genius’ name changed to HornyOne _

HornyOne: Who was it? 

Spy: I mean is it a lie?

HornyOne: Still bullying 

JJ: Not if it’s the truth

HornyOne: Wait you are meant to be with Aaron 

HornyOne: @Boss they are bullying me!

Boss: I’m going to take everyone’s phone if you don’t get to work 

HornyOne: I was working, I was watching the interrogation and I know he isn’t our unsub

Boss: Yes I know that, now change your name back

_ HornyOne’s name changed to Baby _

Baby: That wasn’t me but I’m fine with it

Boss: Change it. 

Baby: Bossy Bastard

_ Baby’s name changed to Queer _

Queer: Who is doing this??? 

_ Queer’s name changed to Spencer _

Spencer: There. 

_ Spencer’s name changed to Daddy _

Daddy: Who the fuck is it?

Spy: It’s kind of funny

Boss: No words can describe how done I am

Handsome: Baby Girl stop being mean to them ‘

TechGuru: It isn’t me, swear down

Daddy: JJ and Rossi are being very quiet

Paparossi: I hate it and no it was not me

Spy: JJ is with me and is not on her phone

TechGuru: Give me a second!

TechGuru: Oh. Oh. So Boss, you want to say anything? 

Boss: Me? Why would I be childish like that? 

TechGuru: I’m looking at the chat logs and it was your phone that changed Spencer’s name

Boss: Well it wasn’t me. 

Daddy: Oh Aaron, you want to tell me something?

Boss: No, change your name back 

Daddy: Boring 

_ Daddy’s name changed to Spencer _

TechGuru: wait why did that come from Hotch’s phone? Boss did you change it? 

Boss: No? 

TechGuru: Spencer, you hacked his phone?? 

Spencer: I plead the fifth. 

Spy: Lmao have fun later

Spencer: I will ;)

Boss: If I see one more message on the chat I am going to assign you all more paperwork when we get back. Get to work. Now. 

Spencer: Yes sir

Handsome: yes Hotch

Spy: Cool

Paparossi: Finally you all listen   
  


-

10:37pm 

_ Derek Morgan made a Group Chat _

_ Derek Morgan added Jennifer Jareau and Emily Prentiss  _

_ Group Chat’s name changed to Help _

Derek: I can hear them 

Derek: please save me

Emily: What is this?

Derek: I can hear them fucking. I don’t want to hear this. Please help me

Emily: who?

Derek: HOTCH AND SPENCER

Derek: I saw enough on the plane but this? This is horror

Jennifer: What do you want us to do?

Derek: Swap rooms??

Emily: no can do 

Jennifer: never in a thousand years 

Derek: You think Rossi will share?

Emily: worth a try

Emily: what can you hear? Good blackmail

Derek: I’m never going to unhear Spencer calling Hotch Daddy. It’s burned in my brain 

Jennifer: thanks for that image

Emily: anything else?

Derek: I do not want to think about it. They are my little sibling! That’s my boss! 

Jennifer: I think Rossi is sleeping. He isn’t answering my messages 

Derek: fuck 

Emily: J is making me be nice. You can take the spare bed in our room 

Derek: why’s it spare??

Emily: we are sharing 

Derek: okay. You two won’t fuck beside me right?

JJ: no we will not

Derek: thank god. I’ll be over in 3

Emily: fine 

-

PM- Emily Prentiss and Jennifer Jareau 

Darling: I can’t believe you are making us share :(

Princess: It is nice to do. But if you don’t want me in the bed I get it

Darling: I didn’t say that. I want you in my arms

Princess: You say the nicest things Em

Princess: I like being in your arms if it helps

Darling: I like you. Now can I get one last kiss before Derek ruins our night?

Princess: I think the murderer ruins the whole mood really 

Darling: stop being smart Princess 

Princess: Yes dear. Now come on 


	9. You get a boat! And you get a boat! You all get a boat!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would happily ramble about all my small headcannons for this show because i have a lot, but have this mess of a chapter instead!

2:23am 

Spencer: How are you all so hot? Like did the Bureau recruit you from a modelling site??

Spy: why are you awake, you have two days off?? 

Spencer: I’m thinking about how hot you all are, it really isn’t fair that you all look so good 

Spy: You look good too Spencer, trust me

TechGuru: I was woken from hearing my Baby talking bad about themself  
TechGuru: Spencer you look amazing and you are incredibly hot 

Spencer: sure. But really where did you all come from? 

Spy: Same place you did babe

Spencer: No. All of you =/= Me

TechGuru: Spencer send me your location right now. 

Spencer: Why?

TechGuru: Because you need hugs and I am going to give you them

Spencer: I’m in Aaron’s garden

Spy: Why his garden? Why not with him?

Spencer: Don’t know 

TechGuru: @Boss 

Spencer: Rude. 

TechGuru: He would have read the messages later

Spencer: I was gonna delete them

Spy: You need therapy Spence

Spencer: Yeah I know

Boss: Why were you deleting messages?

Spencer: Nothing, I’m going to meet Pen I’ll be back later

Boss: Stay. 

Spencer: I would rather shoot up

Boss: Spencer. 

Spy: Reid? 

TechGuru: No Baby! I’m almost there and then we can watch movies in Hotch’s living room 

Spencer: I’m joking   
Spencer: Oh hey Aaron 

Spy: Let him take care of you Spencer

Spencer: I dont get a choice. He got me for cuddles 

TechGuru: Cute. I’m pulling up now

Spencer: Did you speed? It’s been 13 minutes but you live 29 minutes away? 

TechGuru: I plead the fifth

Spy: Snitches get Stitches, Spencer

Spencer: I don’t snitch to the narcs  
Spencer: Aaron said, and I quote, “Tell Garcia to not knock, I don't want her to wake Jack up.” 

TechGuru: I’ll wait outside the door for you

Spencer: He’s walking to you.  
Spencer: You know I think Aaron is the hottest  
Spencer: Especially in those pants

TechGuru: I have infiltrated the house! Also Hotch read the messages and blushed

Spencer: It’s true though, you saw him! I’m so lucky to have him and the team 

TechGuru: He's blushing! Also Spencer we are getting food from the kitchen, what do you want?

Boss: Two things, one Spencer you are a narc, two, I’m the lucky one 

Spy: My teeth are rotten, stop being so sweet

Spencer: I want chocolate and chips. The salty ones  
Spencer: I ain’t a narc. @Spy tell him

Spy: Narcs ain’t welcome here. Spencer ain’t a narc

Boss: You are literally the FBI   
Boss: You can’t even get more Narc-ier 

Spencer: That isn’t a word

Boss: Like anything you have said today makes sense

Spencer: I said a lot things earlier which made sense to you

Spy: I go pee and come back to this

TechGuru: No, no being kinky while I am here!

Boss: Spencer. 

Spencer: Penny I want a hug from you and Aaron so hurry 

TechGuru: We are in the room with you? 

Spencer: Oh you are?  
Spencer: Aww I didn’t see you!

Boss: Come and get cuddles then

Spencer: I will

-

9:56am 

Handsome: You lot had an eventful night

Boss: Yeah they both fell asleep around 4 after Dr Who 

Handsome: You have blackmail photos?

Boss: Yeah I do

Spy: Is anyone up for anything today? J and I were going to the park with Henry

Boss: I’ll ask if Jack wants to join. He should be awake soon 

Handsome: I could do with a walk, I’ll bring Clooney 

Spy: Cool, I’m going to go make breakfast for us

Paparossi: Someone remind me to never drink ever again

Spy: How bad is it? 

Paparossi: I woke up to double of everything and I am down by $10k 

Spy: what did you buy??

Paparossi: A boat

Spy: Why, do you have a license?? 

Paparossi: Yes, what kind of rich person do you take me for? 

Handsome: So when you get drunk you don’t phone an ex, you buy a boat

Paparossi: I mean obviously. Last time it was a case of wine

Handsome: Hey Rossi what are your bank details? 

Paparossi: Funny. 

Spy: We’ll ask for something when you are drunk then

Boss: As fun as this is Spencer just woke up so I need to go and see to them

Paparossi: Ask my kid if they want a boat

Handsome: So Spencer just gets a boat??? 

Boss: You are not giving Spencer a boat

Paparossi: are either of you Spencer? And yes Spencer gets whatever Spencer wants, its the rules

Spencer: Papa! I would love a boat! You can teach me to sail, although I should know how to swim first

Handsome: You can’t swim??

Spencer: Well in theory it's easy but I never really put that theory into practice

Boss: You are meant to be in the shower, and you aren’t getting a boat

Spencer: What if I want to learn to sail and then I can teach Jack and Henry like Papa did with me?

Boss: You are not getting a boat.   
Boss: Stop pouting  
Boss: I can feel you pouting from here

Spencer: Please?

Paparossi: To late, I’ve already signed the deed to name you as the owner  
Paparossi: I’ll teach you to sail when I can

Spencer: The best father figure I’ve ever had!

Spy: I think this is favoritism. Morgan and I want a boat

Paparossi: I’ll buy you all something 

Boss: Please don’t

Paparossi: Aaron I don’t want this money, I didn’t earn it and I feel wrong just having it

Handsome: How did you get it then?? 

Paparossi: Family 

Handsome: Oh. take it you didn’t want to take it?

Paparossi: let’s just say I would rather you all take it and buy what you want

Spy: Set up a trust for something then? 

Paparossi: Oh I have. Spencer and I set one up for Jack and Henry, we also have one set up for you all when you retire

Spy: What??? 

Handsome: What the hell Rossi? 

Boss: Explain.

Spencer: Well Papa Rossi and I were going through his taxes since I like doing them, and he didn’t want to keep the family money so I mentioned a trust for Jack and Henry, then it turned into making pensions for everyone

Spy: You can’t just drop that on us   
Spy: JJ is crying

Spencer: I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make you cry! 

JJ: I love you Spence and Rossi, you two are too good

Handsome: When I see you two later I’m first going to hit you and then hug you

Boss: Spencer you had a shower yet? 

Spencer: Nope, it’s running though

Boss: I’ll be a second

Spy: be good! Jack and Pen are in the house!

Handsome: It won’t stop them

Paparossi: Well this was fun but I will see you all at the park later, I’ll bring food and drinks 

JJ: Nothing to strong, a few of us are driving back and we have the kids

Paparossi: Of course. Now all of you go and get food and spend time with your partners (or pets) 

Handsome: Get a nap before we meet, you are hungover 

Paparossi: Will do

-

11:56am

Spy: Women

JJ: Women

Handsome: Women

TechGuru: womennnnnn

Spencer: women!   
Spencer: But also, men

TechGuru: mennnnnnnn

Boss: Consider, enbys

TechGuru: everyone? 

Paparazzi: everyone as long as they like pasta 

Spy: great conclusion everyone, proud of us!  
Spy: same time next week!

**Author's Note:**

> The suicidal jokes are not taken lightly, if you or anyone is having suicidal thoughts please seek help. Talk to someone, people do care and want to listen


End file.
